Monday, December 16, 2013

Four Memory Candles


                           
                                                      Memory Candles
 
As we light these four candles in honor of you, we light one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE, one for our MEMORIES and one for our LOVE.

This candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

This candle represents our COURAGE – to confront our sorrow. to comfort each other, to change our lives.

This light is in your MEMORY – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us.

This light is for the light of LOVE.

As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us. We love you.

~From Holiday Help: Coping for the Bereaved, by Sherry Gibson, B.S., R.N. and Sandra Graves, Ph.D.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Grief Doesn't Take Holidays


(also posted on www.ahpca.ca)

It was forty years ago, in a large downtown hospital that I worked my first Christmas Eve shift as a new nursing grad. As was the hospital tradition, a call went out during the night for nurses willing to sing carols strolling through the wards on Christmas morning . I thought it was a brilliant idea and jumped at the chance to participate.

c. Vancouver Sun
Many years of voice lessons landed me a position at the front of our little group where I had a clear view into patient’s rooms as we sang our way through the wards. We started on the orthopaedic floor where skiers with their legs in traction smiled and waved as we passed their doors. All was merry and fine until we entered the oncology floor which included our hospital’s answer to hospice palliative care – a few rooms away from the nursing station.

Passing these rooms, I saw some patients too ill to wave, some with expressions of sweet remembrance, and  others who garnered their strength to whisper ”Thank you”. Some of the patients had family members by their beds – holding their hands, wiping tears from their faces: some of the patients were alone; for many, it would be their last Christmas.

By the time we reached the unit door, I’d been gently moved to the back of the group; I couldn’t sing through my tears.  For the first time in my life, I understood that Christmas wasn’t all fun and cheer – it could be a very difficult time for those struggling with illness, dying and grief.

The holiday season holds many challenges for those who have lost a loved one in the past year, or so.  For example, meeting the expectations of established family traditions, or the “merry ho-ho” attitude of our culture just add stress to the grief.

“If the grief is fresh, holiday cheer can seem like an affront and celebrations may underscore how alone people feel,” notes Dr. Michael Miller, editor in chief of the Harvard Mental Health Letter.
 
c. Kurchak

Coping with the holiday season takes some thought and pre-planning but it is possible to survive intact and healthy. Here are some tips that the bereaved have found helpful during the holidays.

Acknowledge that the holiday season will be difficult

  1. Many bereaved say that the anticipation of the day/ holiday is often worse than the actual day itself.
  2. Heads up: although the first holiday without a loved one is difficult, some people find that there are still some challenges in the second year after a death. 

Plan a ritual to acknowledge your loved one during the holidays

Plan a simple symbolic act that acknowledges your memory of your loved one. For example:
c.Fotolia
  1. Leave an empty chair at the table.
  2.  Light a candle dedicated to your loved one.
  3.  Place a bulb on the tree in memory of your loved one.
  4.   ttend a seasonal memorial service offered at a local hospice or funeral home.
  5.  Recognize your loved one through your personal spiritual practices.
  6. Be creative: you may want to use visualization or creative expressive tools, such as drawing or music, to help you develop rituals which will be meaningful for you.

Make new traditions

Instead of following traditions which included your loved one, creating new traditions via new activities or new venues may ease the obvious absence of a deceased loved one.For instance, instead of spending the holidays at home, go away where ever your budget will allow.

c.Fotolia

 Make a "Plan A" and B (C,D, and E)
  1. Knowing that you can change your plans depending on your feelings, may help decrease the stress.
  2.  For example, if Plan A is to go to a relative’s house for dinner, Plan B might be to go to the movies instead.

Help others

Helping others may release the “feel-good hormones” endorphins. You might:
 
  1. Volunteer to serve dinner at a Drop-in center, walk the animals in a rescue shelter, go shopping for your elderly neighbours,  distribute mittens to the homeless…
  2.  Volunteer for a cause embraced by your loved one; what was an important value in their life?

Take it easy on yourself

  1. Practice these words: “No, thank you.”
  2.  Follow the excellent stress reduction practices on the Grief-Healing-Support website as best as you’re able.
  3. Rest as much as possible.
  4. Stay hydrated – water will help your brain cope with the “fight or flight” response to loss.
  5. ACCEPT HELP. Let others do the decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, cleaning, greeting cards, cooking…
Practice Coping Mantras 
It's okay to laugh!(c.Kurchak)

These are short, easy to remember statements you can say to yourself when things get overwhelming. For example:

·       “Be sad. It’s allowed – grief doesn’t take holidays.”
·       “Laugh. It’s allowed – life goes on.”
·       “All good things come to an end. All bad things come to an end.”

·       What mantras or life mottos do you already practice? Write them on post-it notes as reminders.

Spend time with supportive people
  
Say “No, thank you” to invitations to parties or gathering where you might feel uncomfortable or that you would like to avoid. In other words, “Just say no.”
  1.  Spend time with the people who you identify as helpful. This might include “Friends” on Facebook, or other social media platforms
  2.  Phone support can be helpful when you’re just too tired to go out or have company; ask friends to call you, instead of you calling them
Embrace your “Treasure of Memories

c.Fotolia
      Alan Wolfelt, well- known director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, says, 

     “Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved.  And holidays always make you think about times past.  Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.  Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness.  If your memories bring laughter, smile.  If your memories bring sadness, then it’s alright to cry….”
  1. Talk about your loved one over the holidays.
  2.  Share stories about your loved one.
  3.  Photo albums are a helpful to encourage conversation about your loved one – put one or two out where family and friends will look through them
The bottom line is to do whatever YOU need to do to get through the holidays.

What have you found helpful during the holidays after a loss? What tips would you share with others?
  
This season, I wish you peace, comfort, strength and grace in your journey.

Warmly,
Wendy

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"The Weather in My Head" - Expressive Arts for Grieving Kids


                          Kids grieve through play.                (Fotolia)
One of the most effective tools for helping folks, including children, cope with loss and grief is one that doesn't require any particular verbal skills. Whether it's called "creative arts", "art therapy", or "expressive arts", the focus of this strategy is using non-verbal means to communicate feelings or thoughts: how appropriate for helping children who may have limited vocabulary express their grief.

Expressive arts include music, drawing, dance, drawing, and writing. It's easy to see how any one of these might be considered "play" for a child. This is perfect, as kids process grief the way they learn life - through play.

"The Weather in My Head"

One of my favourite expressive art activities to do with greiving kids is easy, fast, and can be done anytime a child is having difficulty expressing their feelings or thoughts. All you need are markers, or crayons, and some blank paper.

 Introduce the activity by sharing with the child, or teen, that our responses to loss and grief may change moment-to-moment just like the weather (at least in Calgary!) and may seem confusing; sometimes it's easier to express our thoughts or feelings through drawing, instead of talking

Ask the child to close their eyes and picture what their feelings would be like if they were the weather. What do they look like; how do they feel; what sounds do they make; of what do they smell? Then, ask the child to open their eyes and draw what they just experienced.

When they are done, you might ask the child if they would like to talk about their picture however, be sure to ask; expressive art can be very personal and private, and influencing or encouraging a child to talk may undermine the benefit of the activity.

"The Weather in My Head" is one of the easy expressive arts that I am going to introduce to the children in the Bernie's Buddies Kids' Grief Workshop running this month. We're also going to be encouraging safety and security, and confidence through pet therapy with gentle Bernie, the deaf St.Bernard, and special kid's yoga with Angela Blenkhorne.

Our first session is this Thursday, November 7th. To register and for more information please go to adventureswithbernie.com

In the meantime, if you're not here in Calgary, Pilgrim's Hospice in Edmonton has a brilliant program "Expressive Arts for Greiving Children, Teens and Families".

What expressive arts have YOU found helpful?

Talk soon,
Wendy

Thursday, October 31, 2013

5 Ways That Yoga Eases Kids' Grief

Yoga  = Helping a Grieving Child
The following excerpt from Phil Catalfo's article "The Longest Goodbye" introduces us to the concept of yoga as a tool for processing grief.

"We don't get to live and not lose," says Ken Druck, a grief counselor in San Diego. "If we care about anything, we're going to experience loss." An outgoing, impassioned man, Druck knows loss intimately. His elder daughter, Jenna, was killed nine years ago at age 21 in a bus accident in India while in a semester-abroad program. Druck channeled his grief into creating the nonprofit Jenna Druck Foundation (www.jennadruck.org), which offers free support services to bereaved families. Yoga is central to the foundation's work.

Two years after Jenna's death, Druck was still so emotionally wounded he was shutting down. "There were nights when I curled up into a ball on the floor, racked with pain," he says. "My shoulders were pulled in, protecting my heart and gut. And my thinking was obsessive—I was having flashbacks to the phone call telling me Jenna had been killed." 

Not long after that, a friend suggested he try yoga, so Druck signed up to study with Diane Roberts, the owner of Foundation Yoga, in north San Diego County. Within the first 10 minutes of class, tears were streaming down his face. "I just let grief have its way with me," he says softly. "There was nothing to do but let it happen. I relaxed enough to breathe, and realized I'd contracted around my wound." Since then, Druck has come to value the way yoga allows grief to be expressed; today, the foundation offers yoga classes to grieving families. "Through yoga, people can learn to modulate the breath, the pain, and the obsessive thinking," he says."

The rest of the article, in Yoga Journal offers some keenly interesting perspectives which you might enjoy. 

In this piece,  Catalfo suggests that there are five ways that yoga could ease grief, whether you're a child or an adult:

1. Yoga may ease suffering.
2. Yoga may help us learn compasssion while we grieve.
3. Yoga may help relieve the physical pain we often experience with grief.
4.Yoga may help us move towards acceptance of our new reality.
5. Yoga may help us move forward in our life journey.

These are some of the reasons that our new workshop "Bernie's Buddies Grief Workshop for Kids" includes yoga. Angela is a certified kid's yoga instructor  - perfect for grieving kids!

This unique workshop also offers grieving children the opportunity to learn to communicate with a deaf therapy dog (see my last blog)  and to use creative arts to process their grief.

There is more information about the workshop and an easy registration process at Bernie's Buddies website, www.adventureswithbernie.com

HEADS UP - the first session is NEXT THURSDAY, November 7. Register today to ensure that there is a spot for you - the workshop is limited to 8 children (plus their accompanying adult).

This is going to be such a GOOD workshop - a big gentle dog, yoga, and creative arts all for grieving kids.

Wendy
CT, B.Ed, B.Mus

Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Grieving Child + a St.Bernard = a Unique Workshop for Grieving Kids



Grieving kids, especially those who have lost a parent or other loved one to death, face many changes in their little worlds.

They often feel out of control, unsafe and insecure as well as incompetent in even their basic life skills. Expressing their grief becomes even more complicated when their vocabulary and communication skills are limited by their age and other childhood issues.

It’s sometimes challenging knowing how to help...

Enter, Bernie!
Pet Therapy BERNIE aka Bernice!

Bernie: a gentle, deaf St. Bernard pet therapy dog who has worked with grieving kids, stroke patients, and all sort of other folks needing comfort. Lately, families in shelters after the Calgary flood of 2013 discovered the comfort of with this large sweet-spirited dog.

S0, what is it about the dog/human connection which could make Bernie and a grieving child the perfect fit?

Studies at the University of Missouri, College of Veterinary Medicine have proven that our levels of oxytocin, the “feel good” hormone, are increased when we interact with animals. Just being with Bernie will help grieving kids feel better.

It will also lower their blood pressure, diminish the 'fight or flight' response which is common with the trauma related to the death of a loved one, and lower their adrenalin and arousal levels.

Learning to speak with Bernie in a new language, hand signals, could enhance a grieving child’s sense of mastery and accomplishment, increase their self-confidence, and may encourage a greater sense of control over their environment.

BEST OF ALL, it will facilitate that #1 activity by which kids process grief – PLAY!

I love the whole idea. So, that’s why Bernie’s “Mama” Angela Blenkhorne and I have developed a unique, kids’ grief workshop Bernie’s BuddiesKids’ Grief Workshop.

We would love to have kids from 5-12 years old join us, for three evenings in November, to spend time with Bernie, do yoga with Angela, and grief-related crafts with me. There is more information about the workshop and registration at Bernie’s Adventures website.

In the meantime, what’s been your experience with an animal that has brought you comfort, or joy, or whatever else it is that you needed? I would enjoy sharing your story - I know it will touch and comfort others.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Introducing Kids to the Life Cycle

Hello again;

Play is a safe place to introduce concepts of death and dying.
 There's an interesting YouTube video by a Death Cafe facilitator in Australia, Kim Ryder. However, it's not the part about her Death Cafés that is so intriguing -  it's how she's teaching her daughter to become comfortable talking about death.

In "Death Café ( The Feed)" the viewer  watches Ryder incorporating concepts and concrete examples of death into playtime with her daughter. At my first viewing, I was a little shocked - I won't tell you about the content because I'm hoping that you'll watch the video yourself. However, the more I thought about Ryder's strategies, I began to to wonder "why not?"

In fact, whereas I initially thought that Death Café was a bold platform for raising an awareness of death, I now think it a very safe and gentle approach. The guests are like-minded people in an atmosphere of respect and openness, talking about issues which are fascinating and enlightening, all while "breaking bread", actually cake, together.

Why not have a peek at Ryder's video to watch a mom's intentional strategies to prepare her daughter to take care of her mother at her deathbed? I'm VERY interested to hear what you think.

I might show the video at the October 20th Death Cafe. If you would like to join the discussion, there are a few seats remaining. To grab one of the spaces, send me an email at yycdeathcafe@gmail.com.  I'll confirm your registration with a return email. The cafè details are in the upper right corner of this screen.

In the meantime, I heard this tidbit on Calgary CTV news: 2% of people who make purchases online admit to shopping with their iPhones while at a funeral. I wonder what they're buying?

Warmly
Wendy Kurchak
CT, B.Ed. B.MusA, DipNursing, DipGuidance, CPW



Friday, October 11, 2013

October 20 Death Cafe #6 - Only a Few Last Spots...

Hi Everyone;
CBC filming June 9th Death Cafe

There are only a few spots left for the October 20th Death Cafe. I'm excited that there are a number of university students attending, as well as some new out-of-town guests.

If you would like to join us, please send me an email, sooner than later, to register. Heads up - a confirmation message from me ensures that you are on the guest list.

The event details are in the upper right corner of this page, under "Autumn Death Cafes 2013".

Homemade cake, coffee/tea, and "real life and death" conversation;  you can't get it anywhere else for the price - free!

Register at yycdeathcafe@gmail.com . Due to the limited spaces, if you are coming as part of a couple, or a group, it would be best to register everyone at the same time.

Hope to see you soon.

Warmly,
Wendy Kurchak
B.Ed , B.MusA, CT , DipNursing, DipGuidance, CPW