Tuesday, May 15, 2012

" I want to go to my friend's funeral."


So – funerals and kids. For many kids, their first experience with a funeral is at the death of a grandparent. I can still remember my own grief, confusion, and anxiousness at my Grandma's funeral 43 years ago - I was 15 years old. 

The role of funerals in Canadian culture has been changing over the past couple of decades. We’re seeing a move away from ‘traditional’ funerals as baby boomers influence what and how they see this ritual playing out.
 
Regardless, the essential purposes of a funeral service still tend to benefit both kids and adults:

1.      It strengthens the reality of the death
2.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to recognize the family/friends as mourners
3.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to provide emotional support to each other
4.      It facilitates the expression of grief and pain
5.      It often marks a point in time to initiate the grieving process  
6.      It allows the bereaved to remember and honour their loved one
7.      It facilitates the practice of cultural rituals that encourage the grief process
8.      It allows time for a final goodbye to the physical body

 More and more research reveals the advantage to a kid/teen's grieving outcome when they're encouraged to participate in the funeral if they desire. A friend has a story about being 'forced' to sing with other family members at an aunt’s funeral; it didn’t seem to be a helpful experience in the kids' grieving - at all.

 The actual choice whether a young kid, or teen for that matter, should or shouldn't attend a funeral seems best ascertained after talking with them about what they might encounter. Personally, if someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere unknown, do and see unfamiliar things and be with a bunch of crying people, I'd say "No" pretty quick, too.

It’s important to talk with kids/teens before, during and after the funeral.

As a guidance counselor, I often had teens that wanted to attend the funeral of a friend, but were nervous because it would be their first experience. Helping them understand what to expect, and then following up afterward so they could reflect on the event seemed a helpful intervention. The students often returned to talk as they continued their grief journey.

Suggesting to parents that they have someone who can explain what’s happening sit next to a younger child during the funeral may help a parent consumed by their own grief. This suggestion might be made through a sibling, another relative, or by speaking to the parent directly.

Each culture has funeral rituals that reflect their belief system. So, if your student is from a non-Canadian / North American culture, it might be helpful to try one of the following resources for information:

Sometimes, it just helps to have some ideas about funerals so WE can be the resource for a grieving student or family. Alan Wolfelt has some more ideas at:


http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fritual.html&site_id=3

In the meantime, if there's anything I can help you with, just let me know.

Warmly
Wendy




 


Saturday, May 5, 2012

BEANS and the BEREAVED

Hi everyone,

I'm just putting together the final teaching materials for my upcoming course about grieving kids, and I thought about something I just wrote for www.adishofkindness.blogspot.com

The story is about baseball parties, and baked beans at 'end of the school year' celebrations. In the blog, I wrote:

" In the Meantime,  beans are wonderfully nutritious; they are high in fibre and iron, low in saturated fat and a good alternative to meat. However, they can be difficult to digest. Friends and family who are grieving, or under a lot of stress, often have digestive systems that are a bit compromised – better to save the beans for sharing at potlucks, and fun celebrations..."

Grieving kids may find that their appetites change daily. We all know how poor nutrition affects learning - the same applies for kids who aren't eating because of the physiological and psychological consequences of acute loss. This is an additional challenge to all the other issues getting in the way of their being successful at shool.

How can we help? Offering them nutritious snacks that we've tucked away in our desk, or containers of chocolate milk we've stashed in the staff fridge ( chocolate milk has a near perfect balance of protein and carbs); all those things we do to support kids who are malnourished.

Taking care of grieving kids isn't just about taking care of their emotional needs; it's also about practical interventions for their physical health as well. Sometimes, we just need to feed them.

Just not beans.

I'm looking forward to meeting a number of you on Thursday, May 10th as we start the new online course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. If you'd still like to register, the link is programs.ldmonline.ca 

Again,let me know what I can do to support you in your work with grieving kids.

Warmly
Wendy