Roll over Kubler-Ross

Roll over Kubler-Ross; your “5 stages of dying” are just no longer required as the quintessential model of grief!

 Kubler-Ross never did intend that her work be expanded to describe the process of grieving. Nevertheless, in the absence of other easily available material in the 1970’s, our culture adapted her stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a roadmap for grieving.

However, contemporary research in Thanatology, the study of death, dying and grief, has been remarkably active and productive over the past half century. Now, it is "phases"," tasks" or "styles" that represent only a few of the multitule of models that describe an individual’s experience of loss; even the validity of these processes are questioned as contemporary researchers discover the incredible uniqueness of an individual’s grief.

 In the meantime, as we wait for even more current models, let’s have a look at those"tasks".

William Worden, the well - respected guru of the task based process of grief, proposes that it’s the accomplishment of certain tasks that defines the process of grieving. These tasks include:

1.      Accept the reality of the death.

2.      Work through the pain of grief.                         

3.      Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

4.      Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

 Grieving kids may work on several tasks at a time, in any order, and may come back to them over and over again. (In fact they will come back to them as they “re-grieve” – stay tuned for this fascinating topic at a future date!)

 So, how might these tasks look in a child or teen’s journey of grief? How may we as teachers/counselors facilitate a bereaved student’s grief tasks from a school perspective? Let’s consider these questions, one task at a time, with the assumption that the loss is death of a loved one.

1.      Accept the Reality of the Death

 ·        During this first task a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the death. A grieving student may appear as if they are doing just fine in the weeks and months immediately following the loss. The just haven’t yet moved from numbness and disbelief. When they are able to accept the reality of the death, we’ll begin to see evidence of the next task.

 

·        It takes time for the student to comprehend that their loved one is permanently gone. A student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task -> keep checking in with the student to asses where they might be with regards to this task -> between 3 to 4 months post loss is a time when we may expect to see some movement in this task.

2.      Work through the Pain of Grief

 

In this task we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of a student’s grief. These may be characterized through a kid’s individual style of grief. (“Grieving Styles” were touched on briefly in a previous blog – we’ll look at these a little more closely in the near future.)

           Students working through this task may also experience, and/or express, any of the following:

·        The depth of pain may prompt a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.

·        Increased feelings of panic or anxiety about their current situation and/or the future.

·        Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.

·        A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering.

·        Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.

·        Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.

·        Essentially, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> each and every grieving student will be different!

è  i.e. Adjust a student’s timetable, courses, etc. if a kid is having difficulty getting to school in the morning due to insomnia

·        You may want to talk with high school students who have diploma or final exams about deferrals or other accommodations.

·        Do a suicide risk assessment as necessary ->  query “suicide contagion” phenomenon if the loss was due to suicide                                                                      

3.      Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing

 For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles during this very chaotic and unsettled time forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one. There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death or other losses.

·        Again, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> even siblings from the same family may grieve very differently

·        Also, we may help these students by discussing an adjustment in their timetables, providing accommodations regarding assignments, offering guidance as they work through problem-solving of new issues, etc.

4.      Emotionally Relocate the Deceased

This type of relocation means that the bereaved student finds ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship with the deceased so that the child/teen can ‘move on’ with their life

·        I.e. Working with a student whose mom has died may involve discussion of a question such as “If I’m nice to my Dad’s new girlfriend, does it mean that I don’t love my real Mom anymore?”

·        Engaging in new activities and relationships may indicate that a grieving student is involved in this task. This can take many months/years.

So, there you go – Worden’s Task Model of Grief.

Hopefully, this model’s perspective helps make better sense of a grieving student’s behaviour, in addition to providing a new angle from which to develop effective, and compassionate interventions.

In the next blog: “Phase/Stage – What’s the difference when it comes to a kid’s grief?”

Teachers helping grieving students build new paths for life.