Tuesday, May 15, 2012

" I want to go to my friend's funeral."


So – funerals and kids. For many kids, their first experience with a funeral is at the death of a grandparent. I can still remember my own grief, confusion, and anxiousness at my Grandma's funeral 43 years ago - I was 15 years old. 

The role of funerals in Canadian culture has been changing over the past couple of decades. We’re seeing a move away from ‘traditional’ funerals as baby boomers influence what and how they see this ritual playing out.
 
Regardless, the essential purposes of a funeral service still tend to benefit both kids and adults:

1.      It strengthens the reality of the death
2.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to recognize the family/friends as mourners
3.      It facilitates a time and place for the community to provide emotional support to each other
4.      It facilitates the expression of grief and pain
5.      It often marks a point in time to initiate the grieving process  
6.      It allows the bereaved to remember and honour their loved one
7.      It facilitates the practice of cultural rituals that encourage the grief process
8.      It allows time for a final goodbye to the physical body

 More and more research reveals the advantage to a kid/teen's grieving outcome when they're encouraged to participate in the funeral if they desire. A friend has a story about being 'forced' to sing with other family members at an aunt’s funeral; it didn’t seem to be a helpful experience in the kids' grieving - at all.

 The actual choice whether a young kid, or teen for that matter, should or shouldn't attend a funeral seems best ascertained after talking with them about what they might encounter. Personally, if someone asked me if I wanted to go somewhere unknown, do and see unfamiliar things and be with a bunch of crying people, I'd say "No" pretty quick, too.

It’s important to talk with kids/teens before, during and after the funeral.

As a guidance counselor, I often had teens that wanted to attend the funeral of a friend, but were nervous because it would be their first experience. Helping them understand what to expect, and then following up afterward so they could reflect on the event seemed a helpful intervention. The students often returned to talk as they continued their grief journey.

Suggesting to parents that they have someone who can explain what’s happening sit next to a younger child during the funeral may help a parent consumed by their own grief. This suggestion might be made through a sibling, another relative, or by speaking to the parent directly.

Each culture has funeral rituals that reflect their belief system. So, if your student is from a non-Canadian / North American culture, it might be helpful to try one of the following resources for information:

Sometimes, it just helps to have some ideas about funerals so WE can be the resource for a grieving student or family. Alan Wolfelt has some more ideas at:


http://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fritual.html&site_id=3

In the meantime, if there's anything I can help you with, just let me know.

Warmly
Wendy




 


Saturday, May 5, 2012

BEANS and the BEREAVED

Hi everyone,

I'm just putting together the final teaching materials for my upcoming course about grieving kids, and I thought about something I just wrote for www.adishofkindness.blogspot.com

The story is about baseball parties, and baked beans at 'end of the school year' celebrations. In the blog, I wrote:

" In the Meantime,  beans are wonderfully nutritious; they are high in fibre and iron, low in saturated fat and a good alternative to meat. However, they can be difficult to digest. Friends and family who are grieving, or under a lot of stress, often have digestive systems that are a bit compromised – better to save the beans for sharing at potlucks, and fun celebrations..."

Grieving kids may find that their appetites change daily. We all know how poor nutrition affects learning - the same applies for kids who aren't eating because of the physiological and psychological consequences of acute loss. This is an additional challenge to all the other issues getting in the way of their being successful at shool.

How can we help? Offering them nutritious snacks that we've tucked away in our desk, or containers of chocolate milk we've stashed in the staff fridge ( chocolate milk has a near perfect balance of protein and carbs); all those things we do to support kids who are malnourished.

Taking care of grieving kids isn't just about taking care of their emotional needs; it's also about practical interventions for their physical health as well. Sometimes, we just need to feed them.

Just not beans.

I'm looking forward to meeting a number of you on Thursday, May 10th as we start the new online course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. If you'd still like to register, the link is programs.ldmonline.ca 

Again,let me know what I can do to support you in your work with grieving kids.

Warmly
Wendy
 




Thursday, April 26, 2012

Talking with grieving kids and teens


Talking with grieving kids and teens can be an unnerving endeavor : what to say; what to avoid; will I help or make things worse; how much will they understand?

Although there are general guidelines regarding age and stage of development and an understanding of death, each child or teen’s interpretation will depend on a number of factors. So, one place to start is by just asking the child to tell their story about the loss. We can then take our lead from their grasp of the situation.

Asking relevant questions to guide a child/teen’s narrative can also be helpful, especially when we use language which is ‘kid friendly’. Essentially:

•       Use age appropriate language and vocabulary. For younger children, keep your answers short, simple and honest. Even with teens, some expressions related to death or grief may be unfamiliar – check that they have the correct meaning.

•       Be sensitive to developmentally centered questions. For example, when a young child asks, Where’s Mom?” they commonly mean the location of her body. On the other hand, teens asking the same question may be seeking existential answers.

•       For younger kids, use concrete words and information. For example, when describing what it means to be dead, you might say “The body doesn’t breathe anymore, it doesn’t need to eat or drink, it can’t feel pain and the brain isn’t thinking anymore.”

•       Avoid euphemisms – use words such as “died” or “killed” instead of “gone away.” Vague terms leave the child wondering why the loved one hasn’t returned. With teens, using the appropriate words helps to reinforce the reality of the death.

Sometimes, kid friendly language involves more than just the words...

The year after the death of one of my neighbours, a well-loved rancher south of Calgary, his family trekked up the hill where Bob’s ashes had been placed under a large boulder (it’s handy to have big tractors on a ranch). As the adults shared memories of his life, and said comments like “Dad, you always took care of us.” five- year- old Josh was becoming increasingly agitated.

Confused about what was going on, he finally asked his mom “Where’s Granddad?” 

She told him that his grandfather was under the boulder. Suddenly Josh yelled, very loudly, “Hey, if Granddad’s under that rock, somebody better get him out before he dies!”

Thanks, Josh.

Kid Friendly Definitions and language is one of the topics in my upcoming course, Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying. You can find more information about this 3 week course, starting on May 10th, at  programs.ldmonline.ca

As always, if there's something I can help you with, just let me know at wendy@educationingrief.ca

Wendy
 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying


Hi everyone,

I just want to give you all a heads- up about one of the online courses I’m teaching again this year.

 “Misconceptions about kids’ experience with loss, grief and death/dying and fear of doing or saying the “wrong thing” may prevent us from engaging with kids about these topics.”

This statement from the intro to the course “Walking and Talking with Kids about Death and Dying” probably describes how many of us feel when we hear about a student’s loss.

However, having some basic knowledge and some sound strategies with which to help grieving kids may give us confidence to walk alongside students as they cope and grow through their loss.

Kath and I designed this 3 week online course to combine theory and practice for teachers and counselors who need efficient, hands-on interventions for working with bereaved students.

The goals of the course are to:
1.      Recognize and identify personal fears or hesitancy in talking with kids about death and dying.
2.      Explain common misconceptions about kids and loss, grief, death and dying.
3.      Explain and discuss common concerns brought forth by children who are losing a loved one to death.
4.      Discuss current theory and guidelines on ways to best support kids who are facing loss, grief, and death.
5.      Identify resources for use in the schools to support teachers who are supporting children who are grieving.

The assignments are focused and brief, the interaction with other students is extremely thought-provoking, supportive and instructive, and most students find the course time requirement easily manageable – the 3 weeks go by quickly.

For those of you who attended my session “The Compassionate Counselor” at the Guidance Council Conference in Banff, or the teacher conventions in Lethbridge or Edmonton, this course offers a more comprehensive study of the material from my presentation.

There’s more information about the course which starts on May 10 at www.ldmonline.ca.  Registering earlier certainly helps ensure a spot in this course which we only offer once a year. If you have colleagues which would find this course helpful, please feel free to share this info.

In the meantime, I’m here if you need some ideas, or resources for your current work with grieving kids. Please email me anytime.  wendy@educationingrief.ca I’m always happy to help or support you in any way I can.

Take care,
Wendy



Sunday, March 11, 2012

Healthy Boundaries = Healthier Counselor

Hi Everyone!

One of the greatest challenges working with kids is that of maintaining healthy therapeutic boundaries. 
 
However, when we become overwhelmed by kid's trauma and/or grief issues, or we're beginning to burnout, we may cross  those boundaries which seperate our lives from our student's. It's dangerous and unhealthy place to be when we've moved onto their "dance floor".

During recent presentations at the South Western Alberta Teacher's Convention, and the Greater Edmonton Teacher's Convention, I had a number of questions regarding strategies pertaining to boundaries.

There's an online course that I highly recommend to counselors concerned about their health, and preventing burnout. "Maintaining Therapeutic Boundaries" is a fast and comprehensive course with clear, relevant information for professionals. 

Elizabeth Cauton's practical strategies guided me as I developed healthier boundaries in my profession and personal relationships. Changes are, that if I had implemented those changes earlier in my career, I may not have burned out.

Although Elizabeth's course uses a health care provider perspective, the material is EASILY tranferrable to educators and counselors. Here's a description of her course:
  • Maintaining Therapeutic Boundaries

    March 25

    When we cross therapeutic boundaries with patients/families we risk losing our balance and our professional perspective. We will explore the ‘family dance’, learn how to know when you have crossed onto someone else’s ‘dance floor’, discuss the heaven and hell of team, and identify strategies to become better at maintaining therapeutic boundaries.

    Course Objectives

    At the end of this course, learners will be able to:
    • Identify and distinguish differences between the roles of family and formal caregivers.
    • Explain the meaning of “The Family Dance” in terms of therapeutic boundaries.
    • Demonstrate understanding of the negative effects of crossing therapeutic boundaries on caregivers, patients and family.
    • Develop strategies for maintaining therapeutic boundaries, based on the knowledge of “The Dance.”
    • Explain the dynamics of working in a team and describe the impact of working with a caregiver that has “become like family.”
 So, if you have difficulty describing a healthy boundary between counselor and student, or you're struggling to maintain those boundaries, may I suggest that you consider taking Elizabeth's course? It may just help you prevent burnout, and any number of other difficult situations.

To register for Elizabeth's course, go to www.ldmonline.ca and follow the links.

The class begins on MARCH 25.


IN the meantime, take care of YOU.

Wendy



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Grief and Technology

The internet - a 21st century tool for helping the age old challenge of grief.

There are scads of websites, articles, and resources offering support for caring counselors and teachers working with grieving kids. However, some of the online material I've seen is outdated, and/or based on inadequate research.

So, what are some reliable internet websites about grief? How about we start with one website I'm using today?

The Assocation for Death Education and Counselling, with its uplifting and fun name, is an excellent general site to start looking for articles and links. www.adec.org

ADEC has information about webinars, educational programs, speakers, conferences, articles, and links to some international hospice/bereavement programs, including Canada.

One of the links under 'For the Public' -> 'Coping with Loss' is The Dougy Center in Oregon. This national center has been a flagship for for grieving kids and families  for over 25 years. http://www.dougy.org . 

You might find this activity for stimulating articulation of thoughts and feelings helpful - http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/activities/ . It has some great sentence stems you might want to try. If you find some that work particularly well, I invite you to share them with the rest of us.

Valentine's Day can be difficult if you've lost a love. If you are grieving and sad today, I hope that your memories bring some measure of  happiness as well.  I send you peace and a warm hug.




I'm off to Toronto tomorrow to celebrate my Mom's 80th birthday.

Until later, take care of yourself...Wendy




Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Keeping our balance

Working with grieving kids, and all the other 'gak' that finds its way into our guidance offices can take its toll on our well-being. To stay healthy and happy it's good to have fun and relaxation, other interests, new learning and just things that are totally new to our brains.

Years ago, okay, many years ago,  at the University of Western Ontario, I conducted a few choirs and orchestras in my quest for a music degree (B.MusA.,19980) Small groups of musicians in small rooms. So, when I saw the attached TED presentation, my whole perspective of "conducting" was blown wide open - new learning!

The music, the scope of vision and the creativeness of Eric Whitacre are things that might help bring balance to you today.....take 15 minutes at lunch, relax, and have a look.....

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/eric_whitacre_a_virtual_choir_2_000_voices_strong.html

If music's not your thing, www.ted.com has scads of other wonderful presentations to take you to another place in your day, as does www.YouTube.com , www.Stumbleupon.com, and my favourite, www.mls.ca 

Enjoy!

Wendy



Monday, February 6, 2012


Theories of grief - a course!

 If you've found the last couple of blogs fascinating, you might really enjoy this great. Fast, and full of info!

http://www.lifeanddeathmatters.ca/Online-Courses/theories-of-grief-and-loss-beyond-kubler-ross.html

Let me know if you'd like some additional information about the course.

Take care,
Wendy
Just to remind me....

 This morning I found a link on my Facebook page to a beautifully written article by Rona Maynard.  The piece is a poignant reminder of a lesson I learned  36 years ago as an Emerg nurse in a busy Toronto hospital.

That evening an Asian woman with a ruptured brain anuerysm had been admitted  to my acute care room . While celebrating her 35th birthday at a local Chinese restaurant she collapsed on her way to the table. Without gaining consciousness, without saying "Goodbye" or "I love you." to any of her family or friends, she died.

As I watched her grieving family sobbing and saying their own goodbyes to she who had been their wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, I told myself, "Never forget that you don't always have tomorrow. Don't wait to tell anyone that you love them - do it today."

Of course, I have forgotten this lesson - often. Maynard's article reminds me;

If I love someone, tell them - today.
If I am grateful to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to say I'm sorry to someone, tell them - today.
If I need to extend grace or forgiveness to someone, tell them - today.
Whatever I need to say or do, do it - today.

Not only may these things lead to a richer and more authentic life today, they may become precious memories on another day.

So,  here's the link to Rona Maynard's story about friendship:
http://www.ronamaynard.com/index.php?by-phone-or-facebook-an-unforgettable-friendship

BTW - the picture, on the beach at Lake Simcoe on a warm Thanksgiving weekend a couple of years ago,  is me with my best friend - my sister Pat.

Wendy


Sunday, February 5, 2012


“Phases”
Another Way to look at the Process of Grief ....

So, if Kubler-Ross defined dying in stages, which are like a state of being, some contemporary thanatologists describe grief in phases which are more suggestive of a process than a state.

The usefulness of any theory may be defined by the degree to which it facilitates the  creation of practical interventions for our grieving students. Some theories may work better for one counselor than another.

So, for another perspective of a task/phase theory of grief,  I’ll try to draw parallels between Worden’s task model from the last blog and an example of a phase theory. Again, let’s assume that the student’s loss is the death of a loved one

Colin  Murray Parkes, a pioneer in thanatology, proposed that mourning occurs within the following 4 phases:

1.     Shock and Numbness

2.     Yearning and Searching

3.     Disorganization and Despair

4.     Reorganization

 Phase one’s “Shock and Numbness”, are also components in Worden’s first task, to accept the reality of the loss (see previous blog). A grieving student may seem to be functioning just fine, but the numbness created by the shock of the loss prevents the reality of the death from sinking in. The interventions discussed in our discussion about Worden’s first task would certainly work in this phase i.e. providing teachers with information about the physiological effects of grief, and class accommodations.

Parkes’ second phase “Yearning and Searching” is another element of a bereaved student’s attempt to accept the reality of their loss. As a grieving student experiences the constant frustration in a futile search for the deceased person the reality of the death begins to move from head to heart.

During the third phase, “Disorganization and Despair”, we may be able to help the student with the interventions previously suggested regarding Worden’s third task – those are the ones that help the student adjust to the new environment in which the deceased is missing i.e. changing timetables to accommodate new part-time job.
Parkes’ poignant title for this phase is so descriptive of the experience of a bereaved student at this point of grieving. The despair and disorganization created by their loss may be so overwhelming that some students just can’t cope with their grief and the demands of school – they may need your help negotiating a medical exemption for a semester. Some kids just drop out until they are ready to return.

In the last phase, “Reorganization”, our work with a grieving student may be one of support as they re-define their identity, roles and relationship with the deceased. Contrary to popular belief, the bereaved don’t actually “let go” of their deceased loved one. In fact, kids that develop a new type of relationship with their deceased loved one seem to have the healthiest outcomes in their grieving. That’s a really interesting issue we might look at in the near future – how to help kids develop continuing bonds with their loved one.        

In the meantime, I’m wondering what “aha moment” you might have experienced while reading about tasks or phases of grief. Are there personal examples that come to mind about tasks or phases expressed or experienced in any of your grieving students? What interventions did you find helpful with the student? What were some of the challenges?

Take care of you.

Wendy


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Roll over Kubler-Ross

Roll over Kubler-Ross; your “5 stages of dying” are just no longer required as the quintessential model of grief!

 Kubler-Ross never did intend that her work be expanded to describe the process of grieving. Nevertheless, in the absence of other easily available material in the 1970’s, our culture adapted her stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a roadmap for grieving.

However, contemporary research in Thanatology, the study of death, dying and grief, has been remarkably active and productive over the past half century. Now, it is "phases"," tasks" or "styles" that represent only a few of the multitule of models that describe an individual’s experience of loss; even the validity of these processes are questioned as contemporary researchers discover the incredible uniqueness of an individual’s grief.

 In the meantime, as we wait for even more current models, let’s have a look at those"tasks".
William Worden, the well - respected guru of the task based process of grief, proposes that it’s the accomplishment of certain tasks that defines the process of grieving. These tasks include:

1.      Accept the reality of the death.

2.      Work through the pain of grief.                         

3.      Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

4.      Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.

 Grieving kids may work on several tasks at a time, in any order, and may come back to them over and over again. (In fact they will come back to them as they “re-grieve” – stay tuned for this fascinating topic at a future date!)

 So, how might these tasks look in a child or teen’s journey of grief? How may we as teachers/counselors facilitate a bereaved student’s grief tasks from a school perspective? Let’s consider these questions, one task at a time, with the assumption that the loss is death of a loved one.

1.      Accept the Reality of the Death

 ·        During this first task a bereaved student struggles with the shock and denial related to the death. A grieving student may appear as if they are doing just fine in the weeks and months immediately following the loss. The just haven’t yet moved from numbness and disbelief. When they are able to accept the reality of the death, we’ll begin to see evidence of the next task.
 
·        It takes time for the student to comprehend that their loved one is permanently gone. A student may need a few months to accept the reality of a loss before they are able to move on to the next task -> keep checking in with the student to asses where they might be with regards to this task -> between 3 to 4 months post loss is a time when we may expect to see some movement in this task.


2.      Work through the Pain of Grief
 
In this task we see the consuming and exhausting manifestations of a student’s grief. These may be characterized through a kid’s individual style of grief. (“Grieving Styles” were touched on briefly in a previous blog – we’ll look at these a little more closely in the near future.)
           Students working through this task may also experience, and/or express, any of the following:

·        The depth of pain may prompt a desire to avoid or flee from the suffering.

·        Increased feelings of panic or anxiety about their current situation and/or the future.

·        Guilt - such as “If only I had______”.

·        A death wish to be with the deceased or to end their own suffering.

·        Bereaved children exhausted from grieving may begin to find school overwhelming.

·        Some students choose to withdraw – either formally, or by default.


·        Essentially, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> each and every grieving student will be different!

รจ  i.e. Adjust a student’s timetable, courses, etc. if a kid is having difficulty getting to school in the morning due to insomnia

·        You may want to talk with high school students who have diploma or final exams about deferrals or other accommodations.

·        Do a suicide risk assessment as necessary ->  query “suicide contagion” phenomenon if the loss was due to suicide                                                                      

3.      Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing

 For many bereaved students the act of learning new skills and roles during this very chaotic and unsettled time forces them to change how they must now live without their loved one. There are a multitude of new roles and responsibilities created by the primary and secondary losses related to a death or other losses.


·        Again, assess the student’s individual grief responses and make the appropriate accommodations -> even siblings from the same family may grieve very differently

·        Also, we may help these students by discussing an adjustment in their timetables, providing accommodations regarding assignments, offering guidance as they work through problem-solving of new issues, etc.


4.      Emotionally Relocate the Deceased

This type of relocation means that the bereaved student finds ways to alter the emotional investment as it once existed in the relationship with the deceased so that the child/teen can ‘move on’ with their life

·        I.e. Working with a student whose mom has died may involve discussion of a question such as “If I’m nice to my Dad’s new girlfriend, does it mean that I don’t love my real Mom anymore?”

·        Engaging in new activities and relationships may indicate that a grieving student is involved in this task. This can take many months/years.

So, there you go – Worden’s Task Model of Grief.

Hopefully, this model’s perspective helps make better sense of a grieving student’s behaviour, in addition to providing a new angle from which to develop effective, and compassionate interventions.

In the next blog: “Phase/Stage – What’s the difference when it comes to a kid’s grief?”

Teachers helping grieving students build new paths for life.